I am not brave.

This is how the dictionary defines the word “brave”: having or showing courage, especially when facing danger, difficulty, or pain.

This…is not me; not now, not ever. I do not have courage or even show it. I inwardly cower in the face of danger, difficulty or pain. However, I don’t show my cowardice, but rather, I hide it & very well. You cannot consider yourself to be brave, if you are scared to look weak. You cannot call yourself brave, if you think the next storm might end you. You cannot declare how very brave you are, when you know, in yourself…there is no strength to fight. I do not stand up & fight. I only keep walking. That isn’t bravery, it’s simply…movement.

So many people, over so many years, have called me brave. I just smile & keep walking… This is who I am. I am the one who keeps walking, but not in bravery. No, I move forward with determination.

This is how the dictionary defines the word “determined”: feeling or showing firmness or a fixed purpose. This is something I can, in good conscience, admit to. I am determined, yes.

Year after year, step after step, blow after blow, storm after storm, mountain after mountain…I still believe in an intention; a purpose greater than my own living. I believe in reasons. I believe in callings. I believe in looking past myself. I am not an island & I do not live for myself.

I can see the forest, not just the trees & I wonder…is this is why I am not brave? A tree is friendly, but an entire forest…that’s a lot to contend with. It gets dark, lonely & scary. I’d rather climb up a tree, than walk through a forest…any day. It takes more strength to climb to the top of a tree & it can easily be done alone. However, walking through a forest alone, takes less strength, but far more courage. So, when I come to the edge, sometimes I miss the trees completely & only see the long, dark winding path that I must take &…I feel no bravery…just determination.

I know that I must move forward, but I am not brave.