The Little Match Girl

Life here on earth, has a way of making me feel like The Little Match Girl. The original story from The Brothers Grimm, Star Money, has given me an identity of sorts. Tossed out to fend for myself, giving away the little bit I have left, waiting for the cold to overcome me. I’m alone, really. All I genuinely have is my Father. Just like her, if I lose all, I still have everything. So, here goes nothing.

I know the feeling of giving all, until all is gone. It’s happened several times throughout my life. The day I submitted my life to God, for instance, was a day that I lost myself. He gave to me in return, though, everything I never had and would never have had, without Him. That was one time of giving, that I’ll never live (or die), to regret. You might think this proves that I know how to make decidedly wise choices, but you would be wrong.....because another example of one of those days I gave up everything was my wedding day.

Many regrets follow that pronouncement, some of which I will live with always, during my life here. It is a deep pit to fall into; a loveless marriage. An intended bond of togetherness then becomes a life of bondage. While that isn’t to say that nothing good came out of it, it never should have been. You see, dishonesty has a way of strangling the life out of love. It takes precedent over the giving of yourself, to the very one that you should love, honor, cherish & so on. There is no ability to achieve real intimacy or love, when truth, respect & admiration are missing. It’s just not possible. How do you erect a skyscraper on an insubstantial foundation? Can you make a garden grow with a soil depleted of essential nutrients? You can’t, not really. One can try, even valiantly, for let’s say…15 years, but in the end, the structure will fall & the flowers will never bloom. How sad, it all sounds. How true, it all is. It’s my life, my one life, my only life & the choices that line its yellow brick road. I’m sorry for some of those choices, really I am. In fact, some days, I wish Superman would show up & fly around the world & reverse its spin…just for me. Unfortunately, most days though, I live in reality & realize that all Superman is actually super at, is looking good in tights. Credit where credit is due, I say.

Life always comes at you fast. Even though I’ve demanded, a few times, to be let off this rollercoaster, it never stops….not until its run the full course. The dog may bark, but the train rolls on. Okay, no more metaphors, for now anyway. The obvious point I’m trying to make, is that…I failed….& miserably so. In my mind, I failed at the start though, not really along the way. Day one...wedding day. When the revelation started to sink in, I should have turned around & ran. I didn't, though, I stayed & stayed & stayed. Perhaps this seems as if I’m saying I was perfect during those 15 years. Maybe what I gave wasn’t enough, but I know I gave all that I had to give & much more. No, I wasn’t perfect. I was invested though, enough so, that I stayed with it for almost half of my life. Hoping for change year after passing year, makes the heart terribly sick. It also makes you think some unhealthy thoughts about yourself, your worth & your value. It causes questions too. Is this all that I deserve? Am I that difficult to love? Is this as good as it gets? How will I live the rest of my life this way? How many lies have been told? Must I actually pay...forever? It could be, that these questions & many more will never be answered...

I’m a true blue fan of Lucy Maude Montgomery. Mostly, I love her Anne of Green Gable series. It wasn’t until later in life, after plenty of hardship, that Anne (the female protagonist) finally felt as though she belonged somewhere. Her heart found a place to be appreciated & cared for. Anyway, in one of the final books, Anne tells her adopted aunt, "When I left Queen's my future seemed to stretch out before me like a straight road. I thought I could see along it for many a milestone. Now there is a bend in it. I don't know what lies around the bend, but I'm going to believe that the best does. It has a fascination of its own, that bend, Marilla." Anne of Green Gables

And so, with silent tears, here I stand, facing a fascinating bend of my own, believing the same. I have to choose to have hope. I have to, need to, believe….that life doesn’t stretch out in front of me in the same way that I’ve lived thus far. I dream of the day, when my presence, will bring a smile to the face of a man that is devoted to me. One day I want to make every kiss seem like the first, melt his heart with my tenderness & rest securely in his embrace.

While someone like Superman is fictional, I know, there just might be a real man, one that can make up for all the years I’ve lost….a person who has the desire & ability to really share himself, all of himself, with me. Only God Himself knows just how much I will give in return. Heaven help him, really. For, it is an avalanche of trust, respect, devotion, admiration & the most sincere love that awaits…..for the first guy who looks good in tights! Oh, come on. Lighten up. Yeah, it might be just the ramblings of a hopeless romantic, or the imaginings of a 19th century fairytale….I hope not, though….with all that is within me, I hope not. And hope….is something.

Taking long walks at night is something I enjoy; even more then that, it’s something I need. It serves to put the day’s events in perspective, & even categorize them, if you will. These folders of my mind deserve attention & must be maintained. Some things that transpired or were said, should be put into the round file, plainly. There are other comments or actions though, that require or deserve further contemplation. I can take the time to reminisce over the nicer moments & give to God the weight of the heavier matters. It is during this twilight of my day that causes the Little Match Girl to appear again. She comes out timidly at first, wondering if she should intrude. After about half an hour or so, though, she shows her couragous side & boldly peeks into the lives of others. Whilst filing & organizing my own life, I stumble upon those around me, who are also living in my world. Well, in a sense, they are outside of my “world,” but nevertheless, they move & exist around me. After the sun begins to set, I close my curtains. It would seem that this particular notion, never has entered into the minds of some. So, I feel like her then, pressing her cold little nose to the glass & looking in on the lives of others. Seeing their seemingly successful attempts at life, makes me wonder. Is it really warmer on the inside? How do they do it? I walk around & try to sell my matches just to get by & think, is this what I do until I die? Do these fellow earthlings, with the open curtains, sell matches too? Have they found another source with which to do more then just survive? Mere survival....you know, wake up, do your thing, go to bed, kind of thing. IS THIS AS GOOD AS IT GETS!? (…I inwardly yell) Yes, I know….Helen Hunt, & what’s his face. Not really. Although, if a man told me, that I make him want to be a better man, well…..that sure would be a hard compliment for me to resist.

In all this rubbish I’ve written about is God, my most precious Father, everlasting best friend & mighty Savior. Trust me truly when I say, that He has not been discounted here. He, is why I continue to draw breath, here on this strange planet. And when I leave it, He waits for me & there is no greater expectation or anything I desire more. If it were not for my Father, I’d have tossed in the towel long ago. The Scripture states that, “Hope deferred maketh the heart sick.” So, He is my Hope & Healer (of all my diseases)….even of my hope-sick heart. He makes life worth the living & death a sweet victory. And so, my faith continues to rest securely in the knowing, the blessed assurance, that He will someday, someday, someday, turn my ashes into beauty….and bring to me a man, who my heart sees as breath takingly beautiful & in his eyes I will see my true reflection.